nagios-irssi/var/quotes

 Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.
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 Artoo says that the chances of survival are 725 to 1. Actually Artoo has been known to make mistakes... from time to time... Oh dear...
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 [on Han's escape plan] I really don't see how that is going to help! Surrender is a perfectly acceptable alternative in extreme circumstances! The Empire may be gracious enough to...
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 Sir, it's quite possible this asteroid is not entirely stable.
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 Excuse me sir, but might I inquire as to what's going on?
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 Impossible man.
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 The odds of successfully surviving an attack on an Imperial Star Destroyer are approximately...
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 Sir, If I may venture an opinion...
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 Don't blame me. I'm an interpreter. I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal.
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 Oh. They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected. If he survived the freezing process, that is.
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 I knew all along. Had to be a mistake.
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 What are you doing? Trust him, trust him!
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 It sounds like Han!
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 I'm terribly sorry about all this. After all, he's only a Wookiee!
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 Oh, yes, that's very good, I like that... Oh!
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 Well, now, something's not right, because now I can't see!
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 Oh, oh, that's much better. Wait... wait. Oh, my! What have you done? I'm BACKWARDS. You flea-bitten furball! Only an overgrown mop-head like you would be stupid enough to...
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 If I may say so, sir, I noticed earlier the hyperdrive motivator has been damaged. It's impossible to go to lightspeed.
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 [Interrupting Han and Leia kissing] Sir. Sir, I've isolated the reverse, power flux coupling.
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 Oh you're perfectly welcome, sir.
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 I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.
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 Of course I've looked better.
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 Master Luke, Sir, it's so good to see you fully functional again. R2 expresses his relief also.
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 No! We're not interested in the hyperdrive on the Millenium Falcon, it's fixed!
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 Just open the door, you stupid lug!
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 I never doubted him for a second! Wonderful!
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 I'm terribly sorry about all this. After all, he's only a Wookiee.
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 Sir, I don't know where your ship learned to communicate, but it has the most peculiar dialect.
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 [about Lando] 
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 Don't worry about Master Luke. I'm sure he'll be all right. He's quite clever, you know... for a human being.
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 [R2 is outside the Hoth base, scanning the area] You must come along now R2. There's really nothing more we can do. And my joints are freezing up.
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 Don't say things like that! Of course we'll see Master Luke again! And he'll be quite all right, you'll see!
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 Stupid little short-circuit! He'll be *quite* all right.
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 Pulverized?
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 I didn't ask you to turn on the thermal heater. I merely commented that it was freezing in the princess's chamber...
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 But it's SUPPOSED to be freezing! How we are ever going to dry out her clothes, I really don't know!
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 [in 1997 Special Edition only] Oh, this is suicide! There's nowhere to go.
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 That sounds like an R2 unit in there! I wonder if... Hello? How interesting.
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 Oh, my! I... I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. No, please don't get up.
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 [Chewbacca is carrying the dismembered C3PO on his back] If only you'd attached my legs, I wouldn't be in this ridiculous position. Now remember, Chewbacca, you have a responsibility to me, so don't do anything foolish!
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 Now don't you forget this! Why I should stick my neck out for you is far beyond my capacity!
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 Just you reconsider playing that message for him!
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 No, I don't think he likes you at all.
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 No, I don't like you either.
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 I would much rather have gone with Master Luke than stay here with you. I don't know what all this trouble is about, but I'm sure it must be your fault.
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 You watch your language!
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 Help! I think I'm melting! This is all your fault!
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 [to R2-D2] This is all your fault.
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 We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.
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 We've stopped. Wake up! Wake up!
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 We're doomed.
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 [translating for R2] He says he's found the main control to the power beam that's holding the ship here; he'll try to make the precise location appear on the monitor.
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 The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in seven locations. A power loss at one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave.
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 Where could they be?
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 Use the comlink? Oh my! I forgot, I turned it off.
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 Are you there sir?
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 We've had some problems...
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 [to R2-D2] No! Shut them *all* down, hurry!
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 Listen to them, they're dying R2! Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough, it's all my fault! My poor Master.
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 Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease.
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 We're doomed.
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 He made a fair move. Screaming about it can't help you.
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 But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid.
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 I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, R2
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 Is there anything I can do?
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 Master Luke, sir. Pardon me for asking, but what should R2 and I do if we're discovered here?
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 That isn't very reassuring.
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 It wasn't my fault, sir, please don't deactivate me. I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning. Kept babbling on about his mission.
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 I've just about had enough of you. Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you near-sighted scrap pile. And don't let me catch you following me begging for help because you won't get it.
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 That malfunctioning little twirp, this is all his fault.
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 Did you hear that? They shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness.
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 You must repair him! Sir, if any of my circuits or gears will help, I'll gladly donate them.
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 There'll be no escape for the princess this time.
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 A transmission?
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 Her only hope.
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 What do you mean we'll be making a slight detour?
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 [the Starspeeder 1000 crashes into the back of a Naboo fighter, its long tail smashing through the wind sheild; a Pit Droid grumbles] What do you mean we broke your ship? You broke our view port.
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 And I did not give you permission to come aboard.
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 May the Force be with you.
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 [to R2-D2] They're not going the wrong way, WE are, you nitwit!
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 Look, there's a platform. Let's land there.
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 [to R2-D2] What do you mean we're taking a slight detour?
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 [while flying under water] And I thought I hated space travel.
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 1401? That's us. We can't take off. The captain isn't on board.
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 Wait!
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 Don't shoot!
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 I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake! I am C-3...
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 [depending on the gender or age of the spy] I have never seen that man/woman/person before!
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 I have no idea!
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 [the speeder is teetering over a steep cliff] Nobody move.
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 I mean, everybody move! Lean back!
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 The spy!
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 [to the passengers] I'm afraid we've all just joined the Rebel Alliance.
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 [Underwater, the StarSpeeder 1000 passes over Jar Jar Binks] We nearly hit that poor Gungan.
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 [R2-D2 beeps] What transmission?
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 The Spy.
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 [R2 beeps] R2-D2, what are you saying? This is madness!
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 [arriving over the planet Geonosis] This can't be right.
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 That dreadful bounty hunter!
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 Safe, but perhaps a little shaken.
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 I rather like the sound of that!
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 Now be careful out there - all of you! The Empire is watching.
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 Pardon me, but how do we get back to a Star Tours terminal? Hello?
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 [rapidly approaching a repair dock on Naboo] Brakes! Brakes! Where are the brakes?
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 I have a bad feeling about this.
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 Thrusters? Are they important?
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 [after an ad for Naboo] I found those Gungans somewhat annoying.
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 Not just Jar Jar, all of them.
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 Umm... yes.
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 I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, and can readily...
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 Disintegrated?
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 Exciting is hardly the word I would choose.
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 R2, why did you have to be so brave?
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 What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work.
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 I never knew I had it in me.
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 It sounds dangerous.
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 I have decided that we shall stay here.
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 I do believe they think I am some kind of god.
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 I beg your pardon General Solo, but that just wouldn't be proper.
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 It's against my programming to impersonate a deity.
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 His high exaltedness, the Great Jabba the Hutt, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately.
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 You will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea, and cast into the pit of Carkoon, the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlaac.
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 In his belly you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.
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 I'm rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it appears that you are to be the main course at a banquet in my honor.
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 But, Master Luke, what magic? I couldn't possibly...
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 He says the scouts are going to show us the quickest way to the shield generator.
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 Wonderful. We are now a part of the tribe.
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 At last, Master Luke's come to rescue me!
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 [to R2D2] If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit.
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 Oh. Well, yes.
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 I've had the most peculiar dream.
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 This is such a drag.
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 I'm quite beside myself.
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 Master Owen, may I present two most important visitors?
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 DIE, Jedi dogs. Oh... what did I say?
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 Oh my goodness! Shut me down. Machines building machines. How perverse.
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 He says he has a message from an Obi-Wan Kenobi, Master Anakin. Do you know what he's talking about?
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 What's all this? A battle? There must be some mistake! I'm programmed for etiquette, not destruction!
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 For a mechanic, you seem to do an incessant amount of thinking.
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 [to Anakin] The maker has returned!
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 I'm programmed for etiquette, not destruction!
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 Don't you think it might be imprudent to trust him so quickly, sir?
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 It is indeed true that at times like this R2 and I wish we were more than mechanical beings and we were really alive so we could share your feelings with you.
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 What about me? I'm going to shake apart.
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 And hurry, R2, or we'll be desert soon.
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 I'm afraid, sir, it's because you said Boba's a friend and faithful ally. That does not feed properly into R2's information bank.
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 We've intercepted a message between Boba and Darth Vader, sir. Boba Fett is Darth Vader's right-hand man. I'm afraid this whole adventure has been an Imperial plot.
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 I beg your pardon, sir. Chewbacca suspected all along there was something bad about Boba.
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 May I quote directly, sir? "He just didn't smell right."
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 I beg your pardon, but what do you mean, "naked?"
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 My parts are showing? Oh, my goodness, oh!
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 I can assure you they will never get me onto one of those dreadful starships.
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 [wobbling significantly as he starts walking] I am not sure this floor is entirely stable.
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 Jar Jar, you great webfoot! You're squooshing my circuits!
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 [uncomfortable] I wouldn't, um, know. Hm.
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 I have a very bad feeling about this.
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 I regret the transmitters on the ship are out of order.
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 The ship has been destroyed.
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 No.
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 Jar Jar.
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 She doesn't look like the Princess to me.
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 She doesn't look like a princess.
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 Excuse me, Master Luke, but where are we?
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 [with Piggy, Link, and Strangepork] Oh, no, Derth Nader!
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 Who?
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 Well, you'll never get me to go back to that iceberg! I don't care how safe it is now, R2, it gives my motivators the chills just thinking about it.
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 Don't insult me, you overgrown scrap pile!
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 I do wish I could go with you to Endor...
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 On second thoughts, I just remembered how much I hate space travel. You have a nice trip though, R2.
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 Oh, dear.
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 My lady, is there anything I might do?
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 [walking away] I feel so helpless.
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 What?
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 Oh, no.
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 Lost? Distracted? Oh, I cannot imagine where Master Anakin gets these ideas. You are the one who gets distracted.
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 You most certainly do. You wonder off like a drunken Nuna. I have half a mind to recalibrate your focus incapasitors.
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 Oh no. What have I done?
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 I'm having a bad feeling about this. With your permission, Senator Padmé, I would like to shut down before I get sensory overload.
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 Senator Padmé can be very hard to stop once she's made up her mind.
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 R2-D2, oh my, you are a sight for short circuits!
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 R2, are you quite certain the ship is in this direction?
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 This way looks potentially dangerous.
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 I know the whole play is dangerous! I suggest we stay here and let Master Anakin find us.
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 Hm, it seems no one wants my company tonight.
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 OH, NO! We're under attack!
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 [looking out the hole] I don't believe my circuits! An army of droids, here? I'd like to have a serious talk with your programmers...
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 We're doomed.
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 [greeting Big Bird] Look, R2, there's our large, yellow bird friend. Hello, friend bird.
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 [to R2-D2] What do you mean, "At least my creator wasn't Darth Vader"?
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